I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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