If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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