i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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