I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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