I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So vagazzling was a success
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
