It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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