You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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