That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
