She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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