How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
