I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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