I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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