3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
