Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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