Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
