It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
