he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I touched a dick in church today
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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