Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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