he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize