Cold hands, warm shart.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
