sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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