Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
