Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
