I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize