I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
