I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
