My Higher Power is John Stamos
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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