My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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