I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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