We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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