She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
