you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
