fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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