I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
