im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
