you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
