woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
