At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
