I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We need to rekindle our bromance
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He? As in you personified your dick?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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