Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
