I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
