I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
