I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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