Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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