i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
