Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
