dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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