Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
