I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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