Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
