All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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