I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
