I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
