i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
