now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
