sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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