I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
