what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
